i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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