I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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