just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
