If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
