I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
