He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
