It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
