I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
