life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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