I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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