You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He kissed a someone with a penis
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
