Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
