Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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