You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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