Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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