I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
