no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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