Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
