my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
