you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
