Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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