Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
