I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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