The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
