I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize