Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
