The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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