Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
