everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize