I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Everclear isn't food dammit
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
