Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
