also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
