Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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