I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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