Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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