His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
