Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
