I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
im on a boat
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