he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
