I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
