I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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