it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
