His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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