Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize