If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
