Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We named our party play list daddy issues
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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