You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
