i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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