just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
jump out the window naked night went bad
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
