we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
