and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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