I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
