I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
