whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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