What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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