fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
