Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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