Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
how drunk are you?
Several
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
