I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
