Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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