i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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