Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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