so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
