I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
