he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
