he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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