I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
