I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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